


but you said it so sadly

by yumetourou



Series: see through [2]
Category: K-pop, The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, just a whole lot more angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-03 21:13:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20459555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yumetourou/pseuds/yumetourou
Summary: Hi. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?





	but you said it so sadly

**Author's Note:**

> a total of one (1) person asked for this, so i wrote it
> 
> still vaguely based on the lyrics to 8 and i love you by billie eilish

to. Chanhee

from. Kevin

×

Hi. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? How long? Beats me. I’ve lost track of the days that have passed since I saw you last. Has it been days? Weeks? Months? Who knows. I hope it isn’t months, because then the months turn to years. I don’t know if I could go years without seeing you, Choi Chanhee. Even though you don’t seem like you. 

Remember when we used to joke that if we got married, you’d take my last name? Moon Chanhee. I liked the sound of it then, but now it sounds different. Foreign. 

Anyways, I’ve lost my train of thought and I’m only two paragraphs in. I can hear you saying ‘typical Kevin.’ I know you’re thinking it, don’t deny it. Again, in typical Kevin fashion, I don’t even know why I started writing to you. I know I want you to read this, though. Hopefully you will. 

Where should I start? The beginning? I’ve been thinking a lot about the beginning, about you. Maybe to avoid thinking about the end. There’s so much I’ve never told you, and I’m actually pretty scared that I’ll never tell you it if I don’t right now. Some of it is silly, trivial things that you probably don’t need or care to know. Some of it though, some of it you deserve to know. 

If you’ve made it this far, that is. 

The day we first crossed each other’s paths (quite literally), you were so quiet I wondered if you could even talk. I don’t think you did, the most I got out of you was a nod. Not even a smile. It didn’t matter though, your eyes were so big, you looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Truthfully, I was a bit annoyed that I would miss my class, but I felt ten times worse about scaring you so bad you turned the colour of your hair. Never thought I’d see someone’s skin turn platinum blonde, but there’s a first for everything. Part of me wondered if you shattered your kneecap on the cement, that’s how pale you were. You looked like you wanted to bolt, which I think you did while I wasn’t looking. When I saw that you were gone, my heart sank. I hadn’t gotten your name. 

When I saw you a few days later, you looked equally as scared as the first time. I was beginning to wonder if you were a ghost. I just had to apologize again, I only wanted you to stop being so scared of me. When you looked at me like I just told you I was going to actually shatter your kneecaps, I thought I blew it. But when you smiled at me and said  _ I’m Chanhee, by the way,  _ I knew I wanted Chanhee in my life. 

Now at this point, I probably sound like a stalker. I can promise you I wasn’t, I was just… really interested. I wanted to know what made you so scared to talk to people, what made you so jumpy, what made you you. I wanted to know Chanhee, and I wanted to help Chanhee. I wanted to make you less scared, more you. Looks like I screwed up that one, didn’t I?

Remember the first time I went to your house, and we watched a movie together? You probably don’t, I don’t think you were paying much attention. You always struck me as the type who would rather read than watch, but it seemed kind of awkward to just show up at your house and read. It doesn’t really matter that you didn’t pay attention, I just wanted to spend time with you, even if it meant I might have had to translate a whole movie in real time. 

And don’t you dare think I didn’t see you staring at me instead of the screen, the moon sees everything at night. 

That evening, I swear you had the universe in your eyes. Or maybe I was the starry-eyed one?

I’ll admit, I didn’t want to leave after the movie. I never really wanted to part with you, something about leaving you to walk back to your apartment alone from the café we frequented didn’t seem right. But that night, that something felt stronger. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with you, hell, I even wanted to spend the night. I was too shy to ask though, even though I should’ve. 

Chanhee, why did you make me feel that way? Did you put a spell on me?

Months later, I realized. Inconveniently for both of us, I realized at one in the morning. I couldn’t just not tell you though, not when I realized something so big. When I knocked twice on your door with no answer, I debated leaving. I almost did, but the door creaked open and you peeked your head out. Your hair was messy, you looked exhausted, and I felt bad for waking you up. But your puffy cheeks were just so adorable. In those thirty seconds, I truly adored you.  _ Kevin?  _ Your voice sounded so soft, you were always so gentle with me. I don’t know why I cried. You had said my name thousands of times, but that time felt different. 

You were everything I wanted. 

When you hugged me, I wanted to spend eternity in your arms. 

Some of that night was a blur, I’ll admit. You probably remember the details better than I do, you’ve always had a better memory than me. I remember apologizing and telling you I loved you the clearest I’ll ever remember anything, though. I don’t know what I expected you to say, but it definitely wasn’t you asking if I was joking. You looked so sad, I was worried I messed up by telling you. It was by far the worst moment for me to kiss you, especially now that we were both crying, so in typical Kevin dumbass fashion, that’s exactly what I did. If someone told me that my life depended on that kiss, I would believe them. 

_ I love you too, Kevin _ . Five words, and I was sold. 

This is the part I was avoiding. I took a five minute break to emotionally prepare myself for this, because you definitely needed to know that. You do need to know the rest of what I’m about to say, though. 

This is the next time I had a big realization, I wish I could go back in time and reach inside my brain and unflip the realization switch. The term realization is used very loosely in this scenario. Also, sorry for always showing up at your house at one in the morning. I hope you’ve been sleeping better now that that’s over. 

The last time we had met like that was so emotionally fuelled, and this time I had to make it seem like I wasn’t being torn apart from the inside out. That took a lot of mental preparation. I wanted to talk as little as possible, to hurt you as little as possible. The worst feeling is knowing you’re about to hurt the person you love the most, but you would probably argue that it’s being hurt by the person you love the most. I’ll give it to you, you win this round. 

_ You’re joking, right? _ Why did you always think I was joking? 

I wish I was joking. I would rather you think I was playing a cruel joke on you and you hate me for being an awful sadist than whatever is happening now. 

What I guess I wrote this to say, is that I’m sorry. Kind of a long winded way to say that, right? I’m sorry Chanhee. I wanted to take it back the moment the words left my mouth, but I couldn’t. Stupid me, thinking that breaking you was for the better good. The year we spent together was the best of my life, and I know it was for you too. But you poured everything into me, and I was worried. Worried that I was distracting you from getting better, only after did I realize that the distraction was helping you get better. 

And that’s only been proven over and over again. You’re not you, Chanhee, you’re a shell of Chanhee. I haven’t seen you smile in so long and I don’t think you can anymore, and it’s my fault. I took away your happiness, and it’s the only thing in my life that I regret. 

I’m so, so sorry. More than words can describe. 

I’ve been speaking in past tense for all of this, I haven’t been finishing my sentences. You were everything I wanted, you are everything I want. 

I love you, Chanhee, I never stopped. I hope you can find it within yourself to love something, someone like you loved me. I just want Chanhee to come back. 

I love you to the moon and back. 

×

**Sent. **

**Author's Note:**

> oops! one more part to go!


End file.
